Redefining “Success”

I came into law school having no idea what it looked like to be a lawyer - beyond what I saw on TV. I definitely had no idea what it looked like to be a “successful” lawyer. Before I started, just the idea that I could one day refer to myself as a lawyer seemed like a success.

But law school fixed that for me. I quickly internalized THE path to success: BIG LAW. 

(I don’t really believe this is true - it’s just what so many are sold. In reality, there are so many ways to be successful with a JD.). 

Initially, I didn’t really know what Big Law was. I just knew I was supposed to want it.

And I did.

It even sounded impressive. If you’re going to do law, why not make it BIG? Go big or go home. 

After just a few months in law school, I understood the goal and the path to the goal.  

I followed the path to a T.

I got the grades.

The Big Law OCI interviews.

The Big Law summer associate job.

The federal clerkship.

The permanent Big Law associate job.

And I eventually made partner.

I am the consummate gold star grabber. And I am very good at it.

Here’s the thing though.

None of it made me feel good for very long. I did feel very proud of each accomplishment. But the overwhelming emotion for me was relief. And then disappointment. 

Relief that I had managed to do the thing that I was supposed to. That I didn’t fail. 

Then disappointment that I felt the same. That I wasn’t happy or fulfilled yet.

And I would then immediately move on to the next goal.

Trying to get that next temporary hit of dopamine you get when you reach a goal. Always sure that this time it would be different. Always waiting for something to happen that was never going to happen.

I just wanted someone to tell me what THE gold star was that I needed to grab to be successful enough to finally feel fulfilled. 

It took me so long to realize that I had never actually defined what success meant to me. I just took the definition I was given and went full steam ahead. 

So of course it felt lacking.

To feel more fulfilled, I had to start by redefining “success” for myself.  And couldn’t be based on titles and achievements.

That took some work and some experimentation.

And eventually, I realized “being successful” isn’t even a value I hold or a metric I care about, no matter how I defined it. It isn’t really a term I think about anymore. I have other values that I live my life by.

Ultimately, if you think there is a certain way that success looks and that if you just figure out what that is and achieve it, you will feel good… you are wrong too.

And it’s great that you are wrong. If you are always looking to that next goal, meeting it, and then feeling relief or disappointment, it’s going to change your life when you fully accept that you don’t like your current definition of success and then you decide what success actually looks like to you. Or when you ditch caring about “success” at all and start to focus on the things you truly value. 

A ❤️ note to you: If you don’t feel fulfilled, despite all the external successes you’ve had, I can help with that. We can get you to a place where you feel so much more satisfied and fulfilled in your career. Hop on the phone with me, and I’ll tell you how. Sign up for a free call at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult.