Pushy. Whiny. Needy. Combative. Ungrateful. Aggressive. Selfish. Rude. Too emotional.
All things women I’ve coached have worried about being perceived as.
They’ve spent time fretting before, during, and after conversations and emails about the possibility that someone might think that they are one of those things. That they are in fact one of those things.
I get it. I used to do it too. All the time.
But it’s draining and useless.
First, there is no perfect way you can show up, no perfect way you can word something, and no perfect tone you can take that will control what other people think of you.
Especially when it comes to these things. You are worried about them because you’ve been taught that women shouldn’t be these things. Other people have been taught that too. It’s always possible that bias is going to impact the way they perceive you no matter how long you think about that email before you send it.
The best you can do is show up in a way that feels good to you - that aligns with who you want to be. (And sometimes we can’t even do that. That’s just part of being human.)
Second, how do you know when you are being pushy? Whiny? Needy? Combative? Ungrateful? Aggressive? Selfish? Rude? Too emotional? My guess is you don’t have any real definition of what that looks like.
Instead, you likely just notice you are having some uncomfortable emotion (shame, guilt, embarrassment, etc.) about the idea of possibly being one of those things and assume that emotion is telling you that you are correct to be worried.
But the negative emotion has nothing to do with whether you are in fact being or could potentially be perceived as being any of those things. It isn’t an objective message.
It’s just a result of your already existing thought that being pushy, whiny, needy, combative, ungrateful, aggressive, selfish, rude, or emotional is bad, and you are bad if someone has that perception of you.
But you use the existence of the negative emotion as further proof of your current beliefs. When in reality the negative emotion is being created by your current beliefs - it isn’t proof of them.
It’s a nonsensical loop.
Third, so what if you are pushy sometimes? Whiny? Needy? Combative? Ungrateful? Aggressive? Selfish? Rude? Emotional? What if that’s okay?
Even if we could all agree on a definition of what constitutes these descriptions (which is impossible), you don’t have to decide it’s a problem that you can be, have been, and likely will be all of those things throughout your life.
It’s not a problem to be human.
A ❤️ note to you: Of course you spin and ruminate about how you are being or might be perceived. You’ve been taught that your worth depends on other people’s opinions and that it is your job to make them comfortable. It’s not true. But as long as you believe that, you’re going to continue to spin and ruminate. I can help you learn how to stop. Sign up for a free call with me at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult. It’s never a waste of your time (or mine) to talk about how coaching can change your life.
