Dealing with Negative Feedback Better

As a high achieving woman lawyer, you probably dread negative or critical feedback. Even if it could be construed as constructive. (Anything less than glowing is automatically “negative.”)

Because you’re inevitably going to ignore the 10 nice things that were said about you and remember the one less than perfect piece of feedback verbatim and spin out about it. Play it on loop. You might even assume the nice things weren’t true. That people were just saying them because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings. So you ignore them completely. 

I get it. I’ve been there. So let’s talk about getting feedback. 

There are typically two emotional reactions high achievers have to negative feedback: 

Response 1: Shame or embarrassment 

Response 2: Defensiveness, annoyance, frustration, or anger

And sometimes, both all at once… so fun!

Here’s why you react that way. Why negative feedback hurts so much and creates so much churn in your brain. 

It’s not the words the person said or wrote. 

The number 1 reason the feedback feels bad is because of what you make it mean about you. 

Why is it a problem that your supervisor thinks you could improve your time management skills? Because of what you make it mean.

Why is it a problem that the client didn’t like your first draft? Because of what you make it mean. 

Why is it a problem that someone gave you a “meets expectations” instead of an “exceeds expectations” or a 3 instead of a 4 or a 5? Because of what you make it mean. 

You make it mean: 

▫️You are failing.

▫️You are unlikable. 

▫️You won’t ever succeed. 

▫️You aren’t good enough. 

▫️You are stupid. 

▫️You will never get promoted or 

▫️You are going to get fired. 

▫️You are inadequate. 

These thoughts are what feel bad. These are what have you spinning out. Not the feedback.

📢: For the rest of this week, I’m going to talk about how to be better at and feel better about receiving feedback. 

If you want to follow along, sign up for my substack to get posts emailed directly to you: https://substack.com/@jenndeal.

A ♥️ note to you: Learning how not to take feedback so personally will be a total game changer for you. Not only will you not avoid it - you might actually seek it out. Feedback can be a gift—one that really helps you move your career forward and become amazing at your job—but only if you can receive it in a way that serves you. I can help you get there. To get started, send me an email (jenn@jenndealcoaching.com) or sign up for a free call with me at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult.