Decisionmaking Obstacle No. 2: Worrying About Other People’s Feelings

Sometimes we struggle to make a decision because we think if we make the choice we want to make, someone else might be upset. 

And it’s possible. They might be. 

They might be mad. Or hurt. Or sad. Or frustrated. Or disappointed. 

And the thought of that can make us spin indecision. 

Because then we feel guilty. Or ashamed. Or rejected. Or insecure. 

Some things to consider:

1️⃣ Trying to control other people’s feelings by acting in a certain way isn’t usually, at its core, about them. 

It’s about you.

You want them to think, feel, or act a certain way, so that you can be less uncomfortable. 

And that’s okay. It’s a normal human thing to want to avoid discomfort. 

But you are the one creating that discomfort. Because of what you are making their discomfort mean. About you. About your decision. 

2️⃣ Other people’s feelings aren’t actually about you or your decisions. 

Their feelings come from their thoughts about your decision. 

And those thoughts are based on their experiences, their social conditioning, their beliefs, their perspective. Things you have no control over (just the illusion of control) and that don’t have anything to do specifically with you or your decision.

3️⃣ It isn’t actually a service to others to try to manage their emotions for them. 

What would serve them better is allowing them to decide what they want to think and feel. Allowing them to manage their own emotions. 

You can have unconditional love for them. You can have compassion for them. You can show up for them. You can hold space for them to feel whatever they need to feel.

All without sacrificing yourself or taking their emotions personally.

You can care deeply about other people’s feelings without letting them dictate your decisions. You get to decide what serves you (and them) better.

4️⃣ Our emotions are temporary. 

Whatever someone else feels about you or your decision is temporary. They might feel some negative emotion. No getting around or controlling that. 

But it isn’t going to be the sum total of their emotional experience. Of you. Of that moment. Of that day. 

⭐️Some questions to ask yourself:

• What am I worried they will have to feel? What am I worried I will feel if they have a negative emotion? What if it isn’t a problem that we might both feel this way?  

• How else might they think and feel about my decision? Am I projecting my own thoughts and feelings on them? 

• Is the temporary discomfort I’m going to feel and that they (might) feel worth me making the choice I want? If not, why? 

A ❤️ note to you: Got a big decision you’re facing? Just generally wish you were more decisive?  Let’s do something about it. I help my clients learn how to make faster decisions, with less drama, guilt, overwhelm, and anxiety. Send me an email or schedule a free call with me at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult to get started.