An Existential Crisis (That Turned Out Okay)

For a majority of my Big Law career, I referred to myself as a “lifer” with pride and joy.

I loved the work.

I loved (and still love) the people I worked with.

I loved (and still love) my firm.

I thought that my BigLaw career - at my specific firm, in my specific group - would be my forever job.

It was exhilarating to think that I had found my thing.

Somewhere along the way, something started to change. Everything started to feel bad. 

At first, I thought I was the problem.

That I just couldn’t hack it. That I wasn’t good enough. That I needed to get my sh*t together. That I needed to be more grateful. 

But I wasn’t the problem. And the job wasn’t the problem either. 

The only problem was that deep down, in a place I couldn’t access yet, my brain knew: the job was no longer my preference. It no longer aligned with how I wanted my life to look or feel.

I just couldn’t see myself doing it for another 30 years. 

And I wasn’t sure what to do with that. It was scary. And confusing. And overwhelming. 

So my brain just kept offering me the thought that I was the problem. If I just fixed myself, then I wouldn’t be so anxious and overwhelmed.

It finally consciously clicked for me that none of that was the issue. Instead, all those emotions were a deep scream from somewhere inside of me. One that was shouting “This is no longer your life.” 

It took acknowledging what I wanted out loud — admitting that I was wrong about being a lifer to myself and to people I trusted — before I could start solving the “problems” my brain was trying to avoid: What’s next, then? Why would you give all this up? Who are you? What about all the time and energy you’ve invested? What will people think? 

And I worked through each one of those scary questions. Because I allowed myself to acknowledge that I didn’t want this life anymore AND that it meant nothing about me. That had to come first for me.

And my life looks very different than it did a couple of years ago. It feels so much more aligned.

We spend so much time refusing to acknowledge what we truly want because we are afraid we can’t have it.

But our brains know. And our bodies know. That we are denying ourselves. And that cognitive dissonance doesn’t feel good. It’s hard. It takes mental and emotional energy.

That could be spent figuring out how to get what we want.

What’s something you want that you are denying yourself because you don’t think you can have it?

A ♥️ note to you: Having a coach allowed me to get to the other side of all of those big scary questions so much more quickly than I would have on my own. Having a coach helped me create belief that I could something different and to trust myself to make big changes and to be prepared to have my own back if those changes didn’t work the way I wanted them to you. If you’re grappling with something, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here to help. Just send me an email (jenn@jenndealcoaching.com) or sign up for a free call with me at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult.