Why won’t other people just behave the way we want?

So much of our everyday frustration comes from expecting people to be different than they are. To act differently than they do.

If only they would behave the way we wanted, then we would feel better.

We would be happy. We would be proud of ourselves. We would be less stressed. We would feel loved. We would be less frustrated. 

But we can’t control how other adults act. No matter how hard we try - and trying to control something you can’t control makes you feel more out of control. 

The only thing we can control is how we react to it. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

▫️If they acted the way I wanted, what would I get to believe about myself?

▫️What would I get to feel?

Here are some examples:

▪️If my boss told me I did a good job, I would get to feel proud of myself.

▪️If my mom never made comments about my parenting, I would get to believe I was a good mom.

▪️If my partner would take out the trash, I would get to believe they loved me and feel loved.

All of these beliefs and feelings are available to you right now. You can feel proud of yourself. You can believe you are a good mom. You can feel loved.

In fact, you are the only one who can create these beliefs and feelings for yourself. It’s your brain that does that.

And creating them for yourself is so much better than relying on the fleeting hit of dopamine you get when someone behaves the way you want them to. Even better, if you stop expecting people to act a certain way, your frustration goes away.

Expect people to act the way they always act. 

I like the following reframe as a starting point to feel just a little better:

That’s just X being X.

▪️That’s just my boss being my boss.

▪️That’s just my mom being my mom.

▪️That’s just my partner being my partner.

It takes you out of the equation. You stop making someone else’s actions have anything to do with you.

Their actions are based on their thoughts and their feelings. You have nothing to do with it. You might be the but for cause, but you are never the proximate cause. 

Of course, they did that. That’s what they always do. That’s what they were always going to do.

What if you didn’t let their actions mean anything about you?

Or dictate the way you feel or the way you show up in the world?

What would change for you?

(To be clear, acceptance is not tolerance. Or indifference. You do not have to tolerate anything you don’t want to. You don’t ever have to like or agree with what other people do, say, or think. You can ask them to change their behavior. You can remove yourself from the situation. Whatever you need to do for you. But much of the time it doesn’t rise to that level - so if you’re going to choose to deal with them, you can do it in a way that feels more empowering.)

A ♥️ note to you: If you tend to outsource your emotions to other people, you are not alone. There’s a whole host of socialization that we receive that leads us to do just that. But you can learn to not to depend on other people for your feelings. The power that comes with that is freeing. I can help you learn. Book a free call with at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult to hear how.