Selfishness

The idea of selfishness comes up often for my coaching clients.

They believe taking care of themselves is selfish.

Putting their needs first is selfish.

And that being selfish is terrible.

I bet some of you have a very strong reaction to the idea of being selfish or being called selfish.

I know I used to.

Why are we so worried about people thinking we are selfish?

Because we think there’s something wrong with us if we are or are perceived as being selfish.

Because we’ve been taught that our value as a human being comes from how much we do for others. 

How much we are willing to sacrifice ourselves at the altar of other people’s wants, needs, comfort, demands, and requests.

So we spend all this time and energy proving to the world that we aren’t. Going overboard at our own expense.

I could go on and on about how women have been socialized to believe that they should be taking care of everyone but themselves and that anything less than that is selfish.

And how that line of thinking impacts women (and the world) negatively.

And how the idea that being selfish is a bad thing is completely made up. An opinion that you don't have to buy into at all.

And how "selfishness" is entirely subjective.

But as a first step, I just want you to get curious.

Next time you you think you are being selfish about something or are worried about being perceived as selfish-ask yourself this:

How is this actually selfless?

How will this help the people around me? The people I love? 

How will I show up differently if I take care of myself and my own needs?

Taking care of yourself and putting your own needs first does not mean that you can’t or won’t give to others.

It just means you aren’t giving to others at the expense of yourself all the damn time.

And when you constantly give to others at the expense of yourself, you become resentful. Angry. Exhausted. Hating your life. Feeling stuck.

Which doesn’t benefit anyone.

When you put your needs first, you can be selfless on an even bigger scale (if you want to - putting your own needs first solely for your own benefit is A-OK).

You have more energy. More love. More abundance. More time. More money.

Where have you been holding back on taking care of yourself or doing what you want to do because you believe it’s selfish?

How would doing that thing actually benefit others?

P.S. This exercise isn’t intended to encourage you to be “selfish” only when you can justify it because it helps people around you. Instead, it’s a way to create some wiggle room in your brain around the idea of selfishness and the meaning and morality you are giving it. Once you create that wiggle room, you can expand it even further to decide whether you want to subscribe any meaning or morality to selfishness at all, and if so, what exactly that looks like for you.