Dreading or Spinning About Negative Feedback

If you’re like most high-achieving perfectionists, you dread negative or critical feedback. Even if it could be construed as constructive.  (Anything that isn’t glowing is negative in your brain. )

Because you’re inevitably going to ignore the 10 nice things that were said about you and remember the one less than perfect piece of feedback verbatim and spin out about it. Play it on loop. You might even assume the nice things weren’t true. That people were just saying them because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings. So you ignore them completely. 

I get it. I’ve been there. So let’s talk about getting feedback. 

There are typically two emotional reactions perfectionists have to negative feedback: 

• Response 1: Shame or embarrassment 

• Response 2: Defensiveness, annoyance, frustration, or anger

And sometimes, you might get to experience both all at once… so fun!

Here’s why you react that way. Why negative feedback hurts so much and creates so much churn in your brain. 

It’s not the words the person said or wrote. 

The number 1 reason the feedback feels bad is because of what you make it mean about you or what you make it mean about the other person (which more often than not ties back to what you are making it mean about you). 

Why is it a problem that your supervisor thinks you could improve your time management skills? Because of what you make it mean.

Why is it a problem that the client didn’t like your first draft? Because of what you make it mean. 

Why is it a problem that someone gave you a “meets expectations” instead of an “exceeds expectations” or a 3 instead of a 4 or a 5? Because of what you make it mean. 

You make it mean: 

🔹You are failing or you are a failure.

🔹The person doesn’t like you. 

🔹You won’t ever succeed. 

🔹The person giving the feedback is mean or hateful. 

🔹You aren’t good enough. 

🔹You are stupid. 

🔹You will never get promoted or you are going to get fired. 

These thoughts are what feel bad. 

For the rest of this week, I’m going to talk about how to be better at and feel better about receiving feedback. 

If you want to follow along, make sure to go to my profile and ring my bell (something that feels very strange to type out). 

A love note to you: If you already know this is your work, and you want help with this or any other issue that’s causing you stress at work - let’s talk! You can absolutely have better day-to-day experience at work. Just send me an email or sign up for a free consult with me at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult. It’s a completely judgment free zone where we will discuss your specific pain points, what’s causing them, and come up with a plan to address them.