Success

I came into law school having no idea what it looked like to be a lawyer - beyond what I saw on TV. I definitely had no idea what it looked like to be a “successful” lawyer. Before I started, just the idea that I could one day refer to myself as a lawyer seemed like success.

But law school fixed that for me. I quickly internalized THE path to success: BIGLAW.

Going into my first round of OCI interviews after my first semester, I still didn’t really know what Big Law was.

I just knew I was supposed to want it.

It even sounded impressive. If you’re going to do law, why not make it BIG? Go big or go home. 

After just a few months in law school, I understood the goal and the path to the goal.  

I followed the path to a T.

I got the grades.

I got the Big Law OCI interviews.

I got the Big Law summer associate job.

I got the federal clerkship.

I got the permanent Big Law associate job.

I made partner.

I am the consummate gold star grabber. And I am very good at it.

Here’s the thing though.

None of it made me feel good for more than a fleeting second. I did feel proud of each accomplishment. But the overwhelming emotion for me was relief. And then disappointment. Relief that I had managed to do the thing that I was supposed to. That I didn’t fail. Then disappointment that I felt the same. That I wasn’t happy or fulfilled yet.

Then I moved on to the next goal.

Trying to get that next temporary hit of dopamine you get when you reach a goal. Always sure that this time it would be different. Always waiting for something to happen that was never going to happen.

Once I made partner in 2019, the only way I can describe how I felt is untethered.

There was fanfare. There were beautiful events. There were incredibly kind and heartfelt words of congratulations from my incredible colleagues, family, and friends.

And still, all I could think is...

Is this it?! What’s next?!

I just wanted someone to tell me what THE gold star was that I needed to grab to be successful enough to finally feel fulfilled. 

It took me a while to realize that I had never actually defined what success meant to me. I just took the definition I was given and went full steam ahead. 

So I had to start by redefining it for myself. And eventually, I decided it isn’t even a value I hold or a metric I care about, no matter how I defined it. It isn’t really a word I use or think about anymore. 

If you think there is a certain way that success looks and that if you just figure out what that is and achieve it, you will feel good… you are wrong too.

And it’s great that you are wrong. If you are always looking to that next goal, meeting it, and then feeling relief or disappointment – it’s going to change your life when you fully accept that you don’t like your definition of success and decide what success actually looks like to you. And whether “success” even matters to you.