Okay

okay

That was it. The entirety of the response. One word. No capitalization. No punctuation.

To an email I sent to a partner, as an associate, that I put a lot of time and effort into. Analyzing the pros and cons of a certain strategy in detail. Proposing a recommendation, with an alternative. And a few questions.

I was at the point in my career where I was moving from mostly doing just what I was told to do to actually managing significant pieces of the case.

I was already stressing out about that. My reaction to this email was to create more stress for myself.

My response to this response? I spun out. It looked something like this in my head, starting with what I think are valid questions and then devolving into unhelpful spin.

What does this mean? 

What are they okay with? 

What do they want me to do?

What about my questions?

Do they think I’m an idiot? 

Are they mad? 

Am I mad? 

Why are they like this?

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? 

(Dramatic, I know. I used to spin out - in my head - a lot as an associate. A lot, a lot.)

I spent as much time spinning about the response as I did writing the initial email. Maybe more. 

The problem was never really the email. Would I have preferred a different response? Of course!

But the word “okay” literally means “used to express assent, agreement, or acceptance.” 

It was the additional meaning I was giving to the word that was creating the spin. Especially the questions I was asking myself at the tail end of my spin out.

When your brain asks you questions like mine did… Your brain isn’t just asking those questions. It’s usually then answering the questions. Your brain is making statements in the form of a question.

For example, “Are they mad at me?” usually has the same impact on your emotions as “They are mad at me.” “Do they think I’m an idiot?” is the same as “I’m an idiot.”

The partner’s style of communication was completely outside my control. The only thing in my control is what I thought about the email and how I chose to respond to it both internally and externally. 

And when I didn’t choose it intentionally → Spin out.

Of course, there are some behaviors from supervisors or managers that you will not be willing to tolerate. But often we are creating an unnecessarily negative emotional experience for ourselves or making a negative experience worse than it needs to be. (No blame or judgment. That’s what human brains do.)

The first step to changing your emotional experience is awareness. Just noticing your thoughts. 

It’s as simple as saying to yourself, “I notice I’m thinking X.”

E.g., “I notice I’m thinking the word ‘okay’ means something is wrong.”

This allows you to put some distance between you and your thoughts. That distance allows you to decide what to do with them from a cleaner place. 

If you give it a try, let me know what you notice!

A ❤️ note to you:  Like I said, I used to spin out ALL THE TIME as an associate. It was exhausting and unnecessary, but I had no idea how to stop. Until I found coaching. Having an objective (and supportive) person help me uncover and reframe thoughts to create a better emotional experience changed everything for me. It’s why I do this work now. I’d love to help you change everything for you. To get started, send me an email (jenn@jenndealcoaching.com) or sign up for a free call with me at jenndealcoaching.as.me/consult.