A reminder for this holiday season.
You don’t have to.
You do not HAVE to:
Bake cookies for the neighborhood cookie exchange.
Decorate your house for the holidays.
Go to that holiday party you’re dreading.
Host your out-of-town relatives.
Volunteer for any school or community holiday event.
Make everything on your holiday menu from scratch.
Spend hours finding the “perfect” gift for everyone on your list.
Buy presents at all.
Match everyone’s holiday outfits for the family photo.
Send holiday cards at all.
Stay up late wrapping gifts to make them look Pinterest-perfect.
Reply to every holiday text, email, or card you receive.
Whatever it is you think you have to or you think you should do... You don’t.
Of course, there may be a trade off or consequences. That’s the case for every decision we make.
But you are ultimately making a choice, and you are the only one that has true agency over how you spend your time.
Often the choice we are making boils down to avoiding a feeling we don’t like to feel. We choose to do or not do something because we don’t want to feel emotions like g guilt, embarrassment, anxiety, or shame. (Which often leaves us with other emotions that don’t feel good but that we’ve become really good at tolerating, like resentment, annoyance, or resignation).
Stopping the cycle of feeling like you "have" to do something when it's really just about avoiding negative emotions takes awareness, self-compassion, and practice.
Here's one way to approach it:
1. Identify the Thought
▫️Pause and notice when you’re telling yourself, “I have to do this.”
▫️Ask yourself: Why do I believe I have to?
2. Name the Emotion You’re Avoiding
▫️Get specific about what you're afraid you'll feel if you don’t do it. Guilt? Embarrassment? Disappointment? Shame?
▫️Write it down or say it out loud to make it clear.
3. Challenge the Thought
Ask yourself:
▫️Is this a rule I’m imposing on myself, or is it an actual requirement?
▫️What will really happen if I don’t?
4. Reframe the Choice
▫️Replace “I have to” with “I am choosing to” or “I’m deciding not to.”
▫️This reminds you that you’re in control of your actions, even if there are trade-offs.
5. Normalize Feeling Uncomfortable
Remind yourself:
▫️“It’s okay to feel guilty/disappointed/uncomfortable. This feeling won’t last forever.”
▫️“I’ve tolerated this emotion before, and I can handle it again.”
6. Focus on Your “Why”
▫️Why are you choosing to say no? Is it to preserve your energy, time, or wellbeing?
▫️Align your actions with your bigger priorities and values.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
▫️Speak kindly to yourself when the emotion arises. For example: “Of course I feel guilty; I’m used to putting others first. But this is a choice I’m making for my well-being.”
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