▫️You can’t actually please other people.▫️

Whether they feel pleased is entirely on them.

You might be the “but for” cause - but you aren’t ever the proximate cause. 

I.e., speaking and behaving to accommodate the (expressed or perceived) emotional needs of others, typically to the detriment of your own needs.

Sometimes when I reflect on the first decade of my legal career, I lament the energy I used to have. 

The amount of things I could get done. And the speed at which I could do them. The time that came with only getting 5-6 hours of sleep. The constant busyness. The desire to do more, more, more. 

The idea of selfishness comes up often for my coaching clients.

They believe taking care of themselves is selfish.

Putting their needs first is selfish.

And that being selfish is terrible.

Everyone you know has a different version of you in their head.

They created it.

And it isn’t your responsibility.

I came into law school having no idea what it looked like to be a lawyer - beyond what I saw on TV. I definitely had no idea what it looked like to be a “successful” lawyer. Before I started, just the idea that I could one day refer to myself as a lawyer seemed like success.

But law school fixed that for me. I quickly internalized THE path to success: BIGLAW.

Your emotions don’t always seem logical.

Feeling guilty for not doing enough despite meeting or exceeding your hours. 

Feeling anxious about someone being mad at you even when they say they aren’t. 

Many women turn to self help, personal development, and coaching because they think they need to be fixed.

And if they were just fixed - they would be allowed to love themselves.

It makes sense that we think this.

Although I don't plan to do them ever again in my life, I used to love trials. And summary judgment. And busy deposition periods.

My love for them was two fold.

All humans do. 

Preferably on a consistent basis.

The kind of rest you need is up to you. And it isn’t always going to be the same. 

Finding any excuse not to go to sleep.

Laundry. Social media. YouTube. Reading. Cleaning something.

I used to do this ALL. THE. TIME. I still do it sometimes. In fact, I’ve found myself doing it a lot recently.

Our minds are powerful, constantly generating thoughts and beliefs that shape our perception of ourselves and the world around us. 

But not every thought that arises deserves our unquestioning belief. Especially all of those negative thoughts that are constantly racing through your head.

Because your brain isn’t generating them out of nowhere. 

That was it. The entirety of the response. One word. No capitalization. No punctuation.

I’ve been there.

Everything is going fine. You’re feeling pretty good.

Then… HELLOOOOO self-doubt.

Ready isn’t a feeling.

Ready is a thought.

To be more exact, “I’m ready” is a thought. So is “I’m not ready.” And “I should wait until I’m ready.”

Yesterday I talked about how perfectionism erodes your self-trust.

TLDR: You create an overly ambitious plan to reach a goal because you won’t let yourself even think about feeling good about you until you do. Then you don’t implement the plan or you don’t implement it perfectly. You beat yourself up and give up. Then you do it all over again. Until you stop trusting yourself.

⭐️Here’s one antidote to try: the “minimum baseline.”*

Perfectionism can easily erode your trust in yourself.

Here’s how:

There are objective facts about you that could be written down on a piece of paper.

Put into a resumé or a bio.

And there are so many different narratives that could be crafted from those facts.