We’ve all had that situation in which we “logically” or “intellectually” believe or understand something, but we still find ourselves acting in ways that are antithetical to that belief or understanding.

Yesterday, I told you the three most common reasons for this: 1️⃣ you don’t actually fully believe whatever it is, 2️⃣ you don’t want to feel negative emotion, and 3️⃣ you are worried about the potential consequences.

Now what do you do about them?

“Intellectually, I know A, but I still feel B.”

“Logically, I know I should do C because it will make my life better, but I just can’t.”

Hold up 10 fingers.

Put one down for each statement that resonates with you.

Do you…

If you had told me this about five years ago, I’d have vehemently disagreed.

“But I’m anxious all the time. How is that possible?”

Anxiety was THE emotion I experienced the most during my BigLaw career - especially as an associate.

Negative feedback can be hard to hear. No doubt about it.

So far, I’ve given you three tips this week for dealing with negative feedback— without the spin out: (1) Don’t rush to react; (2) get curious about your reaction to the feedback; and (3) reframe how you think about feedback generally and explore the particular piece of feedback you’ve received from a place of curiosity. (Link to prior posts in the comments).

Here’s the next:

This week I’m talking about how to deal with negative feedback - without the spin out. 

Yesterday, I gave you the first two steps: (1) don’t rush to react; and (2) get curious about your reaction to the feedback. (Link to prior post in the comments). 

Here’s the next:

This week I’m talking about how to deal with negative feedback - without the spin out.

Yesterday I told you what the solution wasn’t. (Link in the comments.)

So what’s the solution?

Change how you think about and process the feedback.

This week I’m talking about how not to spin out about negative feedback.

Before we get there, let’s talk about what the solution isn’t.

If you’re like most high-achieving perfectionists, you dread negative or critical feedback. Even if it could be construed as constructive.

Because you’re inevitably going to ignore the 10 nice things that were said about you and remember the one less than perfect piece of feedback verbatim and spin out about it. Play it on loop. You might even assume the nice things weren’t true. That people were just saying them because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings. So you ignore them completely.

What feelings are you afraid of feeling?

Those are the ones holding you back.

I love to learn.

I’m good at it.

I bet many of you feel the same way.

High-achieving women often do.

It’s part of how we’ve achieved so much.

You know what we are not as good at?

Unlearning.

For whatever it is you think you need permission for.

For whatever it is you are waiting for someone or something else to bless.

For whatever it is you think you need someone else’s buy-in or support for.

You don’t need it.  

“I should be better.”

“I should be faster.”

“I should know how to do this.”

“I should have done that differently.”

“I shouldn’t have made that mistake.”

"This is going to be hard.”

“This is going to be complicated.”

“This is going to be a lot of work.”

These used to be some of my go-to thoughts about anything new, especially anything new at work.

That’s why most high-achievers don’t do it more often. Or ever. Or until they are forced to (Hello, burnout!).

Not because you don’t see the value.

You logically understand there’s value in resting. In slowing down.

But you don’t or you can’t because when you try it doesn’t actually feel restful.

It feels awful.

There’s nothing wrong with it.

In fact, it can be great when you’re trying to reach your goals.

If you find yourself able to take consistent action towards a goal - I love that.

Keep at it.

BUT you don’t actually need it to meet your goals.

The magnitude of your feelings reflects the strength of your belief in the thought.

Your level of attachment to that thought.

The main things I work with my clients on — the concepts that I think are life-changing for high-achieving women - are self-love, self-compassion, and self-trust.

I often hear some version of this concern.

You don’t ever have to do the hard thing.

You don’t always have to do the thing that will bring you the most growth.

You don’t ever have to do the thing that will bring you the most growth.

You can quit whatever you want whenever you want.

For any reason.